2012

As the year comes to an end I find myself, as I am sure most people do, reflecting on the year that has just passed. 2012 was a year of big changes for me, I experienced a lot of pain and a lot of healing. I figured out what I wanted to do with my life, and the steps I needed to take to get there. I began to take those steps, and make changes that has made me a strong and independent woman. I realized how beautiful my family is, and how lucky I am to have the one that I do. I realized that it's okay to let some friendships go and to hold tightly to others. I found myself again, I found that spark that makes me feel alive and full to the brim with happiness. However, I also learned how to cope with the days that are mundane and routine, and I've learned that it is okay to simply just get through those ones. I have learned a lot about my faith, and what it means to deeply and genuinely trust God. I have found myself taking steps blindly into a future that is unsure and holding on tightly to my belief that God is in control and His plan is far greater than any of my own.

Thank you for the people who walked through this year with me, thank you for being there to listen to me obsess over the same thing day after day. Thank you for sitting in the darkness with me and then celebrating with me on the other side. Thank you for laughing with me, making memories, and helping me find joy when my heart was so broken I could barely see beyond that. Thank you for reminding me of who I am, and helping me get back to that person. Thank you for being a part of my story, because 2012 was the year that we survived the apocalypse and the year that my life was set on the path that I have always been destined for.

one year.

So i go through these phases in life where I wanna become the type of person that wakes up every morning and journals. Ill be good about it for a month, and then stop for about seven. To re inspire myself, i tend to buy new journals, thinking a fresh start will be what I need to get me on track. The last time I bought a new journal was a year ago yesterday. I promised myself that no matter how often I wrote I would keep this one until I got through every page.

I re read that first entry this morning, and my words were full of pain and brokenness. And as I continued to flip through the pages from that season of life, I felt like I was reading the words of a stranger. I didn't know who I was, or what I wanted, Id lost the excitement and the spark that makes someone beautiful and replaced it with anger and disconnected broken pieces.

One year later, I am living on my own, I know who I am and what I want. I am so busy that I rarely have time for much else other than school and work, and although I am exhausted and often miss seeing my friends, I am filled with a strong determination to accomplish the goals I have set for myself. I know I am still learning and healing, but I don't feel broken anymore, I don't feel lost, If anything I am overwhelmed by the amount of work that God can do when you have no other choice but to surrender. I want to keep living in this type of surrender, the kind where everyday I wake up and am at peace because I know that no matter how many painful seasons of life I go in and out of, God will always turn it into a beautiful lesson that needed to be learned in preparation for what was next.

At work today, I found myself in a conversation with an elderly man about not allowing yourself to be lukewarm when it comes to God. I think for most of my faith, I have been lukewarm, just right there in the middle where you aren't fully in it but you're not out of it. This time last year, when I started my journal, I couldn't be lukewarm with God. If I had stayed in the area of lukewarm, I don't know where I'd be but I'm glad that I'm here. I'm glad that I've learned how to be more than that when it comes to faith.

The conversation with this man stemmed from his shock that I made it away from APU without a husband, and although I was flattered, it made me laugh as he went on to encourage me that I will find one and "God has somebody lined up for me". The context of his warning to not be lukewarm was to keep me from being single, but I think that his words were intended to remind me of living my faith out everyday with a passion that allows room for God to change me in the way that I have been changed and transformed in the last year.

sufficient

These last four months have probably been some of the most growing, healing and wonderful months I have experienced in a long time. Life is good, i have a wonderful little home, i am surrounded by life giving friendships, my family (although far away) supports me in outstanding ways, and i am finally on a path where I am overwhelmed every day with how right it feels. I have let go of anger, allowed myself to forgive, and walked confidently into this new season of life sure of who I am and the direction I am going. These are all really beautiful things, these are all really good things, things that I have wanted and ached for over and over again in the last couple of years. Most days I feel extremely lucky and wonderfully blessed.

So why is it that I stop needing Christ when life is good? Why is it so easy to need God when life is hard and messy and your direction is unclear and your heart is broken. I can look at this last year, even these last two months and see and feel the way God has worked and healed my heart, yet I wake up every morning and go about my day without spending time in the word, or thanking God for everything that I have and everything that I am blessed with. I don't like that. I want to wake up every morning not being able to start my day without allowing myself to be spiritually fed.

I want to need God, I want to need that time and that nourishment more than anything else. I want to trust and depend on God every day, the way it's so easy too when seasons are dark. When you are broken and cannot see the beauty of what you have, there is room for God. I admire the people who keep that room there when the seasons change. I want to be one of those people, I want to be able to have the same dependence and trust no matter what is happening or where I am.

This past sunday in church the pastor touched on this topic, and preached on the verse, "Blessed are the poor in spirit," He talked about how God is sufficient, how that is all we need and it is up to us to go to our knees every day and admit that we cannot do it any other way. Even when life is good and beautiful, we are all broken by sin and the only way to overcome that, is everyday, come to God humble and aware of that truth.

Once again, how simple is that truth, yet how easy it is to complicate it.

God is sufficient.

faith.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" 
Hebrews 11:1

When I first became a Christian, this was one of the first verses I memorized. I thought this kind of faith would come easy, that my life would be easy because I would always have a steadfast faith that gave me peace in knowing God was in control.

Something that has always drawn me into and kept me working in children's ministry is how simple their faith is. Childlike faith amazes me, and kids just get it. I've worked with a lot of kids who have been through more brokenness at 8 years old than I have at 24 and the peace they find in knowing God is in control continually blows my mind. Why can't I find that peace? Why is it so hard for me to grasp simple truths and let them resonate into the deepest parts of my heart?

I wish I had that faith.

I wish I could jump from adventure to adventure, going with every curve life puts in my way without anxiety or fear because that kind of faith is one that creates a trust in the goodness of life's ups and downs. I have learned a lot in the last two years, and learned things in hard life lesson type of ways, that I am not in control, that life is going to go in a way that I wouldn't expect but that it would always have really beautiful aspects and life changing experiences. I feel like God is over and over again trying to teach me to have this kind of faith, to be okay and believe that it is all going to work together for my good, yet I still fall short over and over again of really believing this at the core of who I am.

My best friend has a kind of faith that I envy. For those of you who know her, you may not know this about her, but she trusts God in a way that I admire. Of course life always throws us unexpected things that cause nervousness and anxiety but at the heart of who she is, she has that steadfast trust that it will all be okay because God's hand in it is bigger than her worries or fears. In the same way that Children have taught me about childlike faith, She has shown me what it is to have this kind of faith as an adult, and encouraged me over and over to pursue after it and accept whatever step my life takes next.

I will get there. I am determined to get there. I may need a couple more hard life lessons, but I will get to a place with God where I can sit back, let it roll off my shoulder and know that it is all part of something bigger and it may take years for me to see that, but I will get there.

steffen

Today is the six year anniversary of my precious friend Steffen's death. Six years. I still remember that day like it was yesterday, i remember what I was wearing and what I ate, I remember every part of the emotions involved in the phone call I got and the events that took place afterwards. Six years. That's a big chunk of time, and a lot of life that has continued to happen even though his life was cut too short.

Today, I have been thinking a lot about time and how the world continues on even though for some people it stops due to unfair circumstances. Those who continue on, keep learning and growing and carrying the people who have left in their hearts and in their actions.

Six years ago, I was 18 and about to leave for my freshman year of college, with the goal of being a therapist for troubled teenage girls. Now here I am 24, back in college and headed toward being an elementary school teacher. I didn't understand life and relationships and pain, because up until that point I had been spared the really hard stuff. Steffen's death was a turning point, it caused a lot of pain but in that God pulled a lot of beauty out of it. I began to understand who God was in the midst of tragedy and what it meant to be angry. I learned that sometimes life really sucks and that's okay. I also learned how fragile it is, how you never know what the next day holds and although time after time I fall extremely short of this, I want to experience each day entirely and love to the fullest possible capacity. In the last six years there has been a lot of laughter, a lot of beautiful memories, a lot of tears and struggles, relationships that have come and gone and ones that have lasted but most importantly there has been growth and experience. I am a stranger to who I was at 18 and I am grateful for that, I am grateful for what I have learned and what I have gone through, and although my 18 year old self had something completely different in mind for 24, I am glad to be right here where I am at, in my perfect little apartment in Pasadena, walking through life with the most beautiful people.

Steffen, thank you for being a part of my story, for being my first crush and the first boy I danced with at my very first junior high dance. Thank you for making that flower nursery one of the best jobs I will ever have and most importantly thank you for always being strong in being exactly who you were. I hope heaven is treating you well, and that you have The Beatles playing constantly up there.

letting go.

I've never been the type of person who can let things go very easily. I hold onto relationships, hurt and anger too tightly and let it nuzzle into a part of my heart that makes me scared and cynical. People always say things to me like "just let it go" or "just stop thinking about it" and I've never been able to truly grasp the simplicity of doing that.

The fact that I am now smack in the middle of my twenties, I find myself self reflecting even more than normal, thinking about the kind of person I am and the one I want to be. I often find myself looking back on the last couple years and finally understanding why things had to happen. I have an amazing family, amazing friends and a beautiful life and I never would have expected to be where I am. However, I got here because of the things that caused hurt and that caused anger and that makes it all worth it.

Recently I experienced something that helped me take a step forward in letting go of anger and it felt amazing. I felt like a piece of my heart healed right there in that moment. The simplest act helped me to take a deep breath and let it go, and it was something that I had been wanting for so long. I want to be one of those people who trusts God so deeply and genuinely that when life throws me for a loop I can take a deep breath and let it go, because I know it's all a part of my story.

Knowing that I am not there yet, I am going to embrace where I am at. I always push myself to love and walk alongside people for exactly where they are at. I don't know why I don't give myself this same sort love. Until I figure out how to just breath and let things go in the moment, this will be what I work on. To be able to know and accept that I am where I am in life, and in the woman that I am, and although I know I will grow and change, I am going to enjoy who I am right now.

simplicity

The part I love most about working with children is how simple everything is for them. Things are black and white, right or wrong and when it comes to faith and understanding who God is, they just get it. Life and baggage has yet to get in the way to make things confusing and complicated. They understand the beauty of life and they know how to find joy in the simplest ways.

My heart misses being at Redwood for so many reasons and spending a summer observing childlike faith first hand, over and over in the most incredible ways, is what makes my heart ache for a summer under the redwoods the most. I desire this kind of faith and simplicity. The kind where those simple truths are all that matter and the rest of life just falls around the steadfastness of them.

Today at church the sermon was about human's desire for love and acceptance. It was about how that true love and acceptance comes from knowing God and being His BELOVED. The truth of that is so simple and I have heard it preached on so many times, but there was something about today and where my heart is, that it finally just clicked. At this point in my life, my need and desire for love and acceptance can only be fulfilled by Him and when I can learn to align my dreams with the kingdom of God it is then that I can achieve a fulfilling life.

how simple is that? how easy of a place is that to be? there is no mess, no complication, no need for analyzing. There is so much beauty in this truth and so much power and so much freedom. There have been so many times in my life where I have sought for love and acceptance in other ways, in ways that have damaged my simple view of God's love, but today I was brought back to the heart of what it means to be a beloved child of Christ.

"The Lord your God is with you, He is might to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing"
Zephaniah 3:17

my sisters wedding

my sister got married last weekend to the most amazing guy i know (other than my father). seeing their relationship is a beautiful thing and to get to celebrate this with them was truly one of the best things i have ever experienced.

big moments

Last week my little sister graduate college, this week my older sister gets married and in two weeks I am moving to Pasadena to start a new chapter of life. These are all big moments, the kind of moments where your life starts heading in a completely new direction, the kind of moments where you can see a distinct difference between who you were before this moment and who you became after.

Between the big moments are tons of little moments that change who you are, and change you in ways that get you to the big ones. In the last two years I have experienced a lot of these moments, some of them really beautiful, some of them really painful and some that I didn't even realize how important they were when they were happening. These moments are the ones that explain who you are, they are the moments that you have to relive as you let people in so that they can know you. As I think about my next chapter and meeting new people, I find myself being overwhelmed with having to relive these moments. A lot of the things are still fresh and I've spent time closing myself off so that they don't need to be relived. Although I know that this is part of life and to be in community and relationships you have to explain how you got to the moment you are in, but sometimes I wish I could just start over in a new place without having to go back into my past.

My sisters and I are all experiencing big moments, big life changes, but there is no explanation needed. We already know how each of us got to where we are, we already know how we became the people that we are. Tonight, I am grateful for that, grateful that I have people in my life who already know, who have been there, and who have loved me in all those moments.

To be loved and known that deeply and genuinely is the most beautiful thing in the world.

womens staff

This time last year I was putting together welcome bags for the twelve female counselors that would be under my leadership at Redwood camp for summer of 2011  and I was full to the brim with a jumble of excitement and nerves. I knew that the job I was about to embark on was going to stretch and challenge me but I had no clue that I would be sitting here a year later so overwhelmed with how much these girls changed who I was and the way I view life.

When summer started there was an intense separation between male and females, pretty much like a junior high dance. There wasn't much interaction between the male and female counselors and when there was it was always that awkward and obvious change in the way things were going type of interaction. There were some of us on program staff who were concerned about this and strategized ways that we could fix it. We spent time discussing why this could be happening and what was different about this staff that was keeping up the wall. During training week I got the chance to sit down with each of these girls and share where our hearts were at coming into the summer and what we were hoping to learn. I realized this night why there had been the separation between males and females. These girls simply desired female community. It is not often that you put a group of women in a room and find that they simply wants to enjoy authentic female fellowship and it was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen. It was upon realizing this, that I knew I was going to be in for a life changing summer.

The biggest lesson that these women taught me was how to love, how to deeply and truly love someone for exactly where they are at. There were so many times that I sat with one of my girls as they shared their heart with me and inside my heart was breaking because I wanted to take their hurt and pain away. I wanted them to see and value themselves the way that I valued and saw them. I wanted them to know and truly believe how worthy and beautiful they were and not allow the things of this world to ruin that. However what I learned through this was that I could not fix it. I couldn't make them believe the things that I believed about them and I couldn't heal wounds that weren't ready to be healed. I learned that to be a part of someone's story you need to put down all of the words you want to use to convince someone of something, and you need to come to them exactly where they are at. You simply need to be there. These girls taught me how to be there, they taught me how to love as I walked out of  brokenness with them and while I was becoming a part of their stories in this way, they in turn were nuzzling so deep into my heart that they would change my story forever.

Lately I have gotten the chance to hear what God has been doing in some of their lives and my mind goes back to that first night when we all shared pieces of our story. That night where every girl was in tears as they allowed themselves to hurt for other women that they had only known for three days. They encouraged each other and found hope in the messy stuff. Hearing where they are at now, and what they have learned once again overwhelms me because it is beautiful and powerful things. The kind of lessons that are shaping them into the women that they are meant to be and the kind of lessons that will change their lives and relationships forever.

I am thankful for these women
I am thankful that they gave me the privilege of knowing their hearts
I am thankful for the way that they love me and the way they love each other
I am thankful for the way God continues to use them to bring me back to life
I am thankful for each of their unique characteristics that make them all so beloved

Becoming

"Now is your time. Become, believe, try. Walk closely with people you love, and with other people who believe that God is good and life is a grand adventure. Don't spend time with people who make you feel like less than you are. Don't get stuck in the past, and don't try to fast-forward yourself into a future you haven't yet earned. Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep traveling honestly along life's path" 
-Shauna Niequist

So often I pick up my worn copy of Bittersweet looking for inspiration and affirmation that sometimes life really sucks but when you can live in that and be able to find joy in that then you can see just how much beauty there is around you. This year my heart has continually pulled me back to this passage, to this idea of becoming. In the past I've walked through life just waiting for that moment, for things to click, for me to get it and to have it all figured out. I moved to Los Angeles after college searching for that and a year later found myself at my parents in the Bay Area even further from it than before. I spent the first half of my year unhappy and frustrated that life wasn't working out the way I'd always envisioned it, that I didn't have it together yet. I lost myself in that, I became a lesser version of the woman that I am because I was so consumed with what I didn't have. 


My turning point and the slow process out of my slump was when a wise friend stopped me mid conversation and told me that I need to learn to "just be." This idea was something that was so foreign to me, my mind has always been where I wasn't and about a million steps ahead of me. It has taken a lot of discipline, and I still have days where it doesn't work out so well, but for the most part I've been able to just be. In doing that, I have learned to value the person that I am and the process of becoming. I learned  things that I never expected to learn this year, I experienced heartbreak, loneliness, life giving friendships and beautiful support from my amazing family. Most importantly though, I learned and accepted that this process of becoming isn't something that is going to end as I step into my next chapter, life is a season of becoming, and when we can find beauty in that truth that is when we can learn what it truly means to live.