"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see"
Hebrews 11:1
When I first became a Christian, this was one of the first verses I memorized. I thought this kind of faith would come easy, that my life would be easy because I would always have a steadfast faith that gave me peace in knowing God was in control.
Something that has always drawn me into and kept me working in children's ministry is how simple their faith is. Childlike faith amazes me, and kids just get it. I've worked with a lot of kids who have been through more brokenness at 8 years old than I have at 24 and the peace they find in knowing God is in control continually blows my mind. Why can't I find that peace? Why is it so hard for me to grasp simple truths and let them resonate into the deepest parts of my heart?
I wish I had that faith.
I wish I could jump from adventure to adventure, going with every curve life puts in my way without anxiety or fear because that kind of faith is one that creates a trust in the goodness of life's ups and downs. I have learned a lot in the last two years, and learned things in hard life lesson type of ways, that I am not in control, that life is going to go in a way that I wouldn't expect but that it would always have really beautiful aspects and life changing experiences. I feel like God is over and over again trying to teach me to have this kind of faith, to be okay and believe that it is all going to work together for my good, yet I still fall short over and over again of really believing this at the core of who I am.
My best friend has a kind of faith that I envy. For those of you who know her, you may not know this about her, but she trusts God in a way that I admire. Of course life always throws us unexpected things that cause nervousness and anxiety but at the heart of who she is, she has that steadfast trust that it will all be okay because God's hand in it is bigger than her worries or fears. In the same way that Children have taught me about childlike faith, She has shown me what it is to have this kind of faith as an adult, and encouraged me over and over to pursue after it and accept whatever step my life takes next.
I will get there. I am determined to get there. I may need a couple more hard life lessons, but I will get to a place with God where I can sit back, let it roll off my shoulder and know that it is all part of something bigger and it may take years for me to see that, but I will get there.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
steffen
Today is the six year anniversary of my precious friend Steffen's death. Six years. I still remember that day like it was yesterday, i remember what I was wearing and what I ate, I remember every part of the emotions involved in the phone call I got and the events that took place afterwards. Six years. That's a big chunk of time, and a lot of life that has continued to happen even though his life was cut too short.
Today, I have been thinking a lot about time and how the world continues on even though for some people it stops due to unfair circumstances. Those who continue on, keep learning and growing and carrying the people who have left in their hearts and in their actions.
Six years ago, I was 18 and about to leave for my freshman year of college, with the goal of being a therapist for troubled teenage girls. Now here I am 24, back in college and headed toward being an elementary school teacher. I didn't understand life and relationships and pain, because up until that point I had been spared the really hard stuff. Steffen's death was a turning point, it caused a lot of pain but in that God pulled a lot of beauty out of it. I began to understand who God was in the midst of tragedy and what it meant to be angry. I learned that sometimes life really sucks and that's okay. I also learned how fragile it is, how you never know what the next day holds and although time after time I fall extremely short of this, I want to experience each day entirely and love to the fullest possible capacity. In the last six years there has been a lot of laughter, a lot of beautiful memories, a lot of tears and struggles, relationships that have come and gone and ones that have lasted but most importantly there has been growth and experience. I am a stranger to who I was at 18 and I am grateful for that, I am grateful for what I have learned and what I have gone through, and although my 18 year old self had something completely different in mind for 24, I am glad to be right here where I am at, in my perfect little apartment in Pasadena, walking through life with the most beautiful people.
Steffen, thank you for being a part of my story, for being my first crush and the first boy I danced with at my very first junior high dance. Thank you for making that flower nursery one of the best jobs I will ever have and most importantly thank you for always being strong in being exactly who you were. I hope heaven is treating you well, and that you have The Beatles playing constantly up there.
Today, I have been thinking a lot about time and how the world continues on even though for some people it stops due to unfair circumstances. Those who continue on, keep learning and growing and carrying the people who have left in their hearts and in their actions.
Six years ago, I was 18 and about to leave for my freshman year of college, with the goal of being a therapist for troubled teenage girls. Now here I am 24, back in college and headed toward being an elementary school teacher. I didn't understand life and relationships and pain, because up until that point I had been spared the really hard stuff. Steffen's death was a turning point, it caused a lot of pain but in that God pulled a lot of beauty out of it. I began to understand who God was in the midst of tragedy and what it meant to be angry. I learned that sometimes life really sucks and that's okay. I also learned how fragile it is, how you never know what the next day holds and although time after time I fall extremely short of this, I want to experience each day entirely and love to the fullest possible capacity. In the last six years there has been a lot of laughter, a lot of beautiful memories, a lot of tears and struggles, relationships that have come and gone and ones that have lasted but most importantly there has been growth and experience. I am a stranger to who I was at 18 and I am grateful for that, I am grateful for what I have learned and what I have gone through, and although my 18 year old self had something completely different in mind for 24, I am glad to be right here where I am at, in my perfect little apartment in Pasadena, walking through life with the most beautiful people.
Steffen, thank you for being a part of my story, for being my first crush and the first boy I danced with at my very first junior high dance. Thank you for making that flower nursery one of the best jobs I will ever have and most importantly thank you for always being strong in being exactly who you were. I hope heaven is treating you well, and that you have The Beatles playing constantly up there.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
letting go.
I've never been the type of person who can let things go very easily. I hold onto relationships, hurt and anger too tightly and let it nuzzle into a part of my heart that makes me scared and cynical. People always say things to me like "just let it go" or "just stop thinking about it" and I've never been able to truly grasp the simplicity of doing that.
The fact that I am now smack in the middle of my twenties, I find myself self reflecting even more than normal, thinking about the kind of person I am and the one I want to be. I often find myself looking back on the last couple years and finally understanding why things had to happen. I have an amazing family, amazing friends and a beautiful life and I never would have expected to be where I am. However, I got here because of the things that caused hurt and that caused anger and that makes it all worth it.
Recently I experienced something that helped me take a step forward in letting go of anger and it felt amazing. I felt like a piece of my heart healed right there in that moment. The simplest act helped me to take a deep breath and let it go, and it was something that I had been wanting for so long. I want to be one of those people who trusts God so deeply and genuinely that when life throws me for a loop I can take a deep breath and let it go, because I know it's all a part of my story.
Knowing that I am not there yet, I am going to embrace where I am at. I always push myself to love and walk alongside people for exactly where they are at. I don't know why I don't give myself this same sort love. Until I figure out how to just breath and let things go in the moment, this will be what I work on. To be able to know and accept that I am where I am in life, and in the woman that I am, and although I know I will grow and change, I am going to enjoy who I am right now.
The fact that I am now smack in the middle of my twenties, I find myself self reflecting even more than normal, thinking about the kind of person I am and the one I want to be. I often find myself looking back on the last couple years and finally understanding why things had to happen. I have an amazing family, amazing friends and a beautiful life and I never would have expected to be where I am. However, I got here because of the things that caused hurt and that caused anger and that makes it all worth it.
Recently I experienced something that helped me take a step forward in letting go of anger and it felt amazing. I felt like a piece of my heart healed right there in that moment. The simplest act helped me to take a deep breath and let it go, and it was something that I had been wanting for so long. I want to be one of those people who trusts God so deeply and genuinely that when life throws me for a loop I can take a deep breath and let it go, because I know it's all a part of my story.
Knowing that I am not there yet, I am going to embrace where I am at. I always push myself to love and walk alongside people for exactly where they are at. I don't know why I don't give myself this same sort love. Until I figure out how to just breath and let things go in the moment, this will be what I work on. To be able to know and accept that I am where I am in life, and in the woman that I am, and although I know I will grow and change, I am going to enjoy who I am right now.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
simplicity
The part I love most about working with children is how simple everything is for them. Things are black and white, right or wrong and when it comes to faith and understanding who God is, they just get it. Life and baggage has yet to get in the way to make things confusing and complicated. They understand the beauty of life and they know how to find joy in the simplest ways.
My heart misses being at Redwood for so many reasons and spending a summer observing childlike faith first hand, over and over in the most incredible ways, is what makes my heart ache for a summer under the redwoods the most. I desire this kind of faith and simplicity. The kind where those simple truths are all that matter and the rest of life just falls around the steadfastness of them.
Today at church the sermon was about human's desire for love and acceptance. It was about how that true love and acceptance comes from knowing God and being His BELOVED. The truth of that is so simple and I have heard it preached on so many times, but there was something about today and where my heart is, that it finally just clicked. At this point in my life, my need and desire for love and acceptance can only be fulfilled by Him and when I can learn to align my dreams with the kingdom of God it is then that I can achieve a fulfilling life.
how simple is that? how easy of a place is that to be? there is no mess, no complication, no need for analyzing. There is so much beauty in this truth and so much power and so much freedom. There have been so many times in my life where I have sought for love and acceptance in other ways, in ways that have damaged my simple view of God's love, but today I was brought back to the heart of what it means to be a beloved child of Christ.
"The Lord your God is with you, He is might to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing"
Zephaniah 3:17
My heart misses being at Redwood for so many reasons and spending a summer observing childlike faith first hand, over and over in the most incredible ways, is what makes my heart ache for a summer under the redwoods the most. I desire this kind of faith and simplicity. The kind where those simple truths are all that matter and the rest of life just falls around the steadfastness of them.
Today at church the sermon was about human's desire for love and acceptance. It was about how that true love and acceptance comes from knowing God and being His BELOVED. The truth of that is so simple and I have heard it preached on so many times, but there was something about today and where my heart is, that it finally just clicked. At this point in my life, my need and desire for love and acceptance can only be fulfilled by Him and when I can learn to align my dreams with the kingdom of God it is then that I can achieve a fulfilling life.
how simple is that? how easy of a place is that to be? there is no mess, no complication, no need for analyzing. There is so much beauty in this truth and so much power and so much freedom. There have been so many times in my life where I have sought for love and acceptance in other ways, in ways that have damaged my simple view of God's love, but today I was brought back to the heart of what it means to be a beloved child of Christ.
"The Lord your God is with you, He is might to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing"
Zephaniah 3:17
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
my sisters wedding
Sunday, May 27, 2012
big moments
Last week my little sister graduate college, this week my older sister gets married and in two weeks I am moving to Pasadena to start a new chapter of life. These are all big moments, the kind of moments where your life starts heading in a completely new direction, the kind of moments where you can see a distinct difference between who you were before this moment and who you became after.
Between the big moments are tons of little moments that change who you are, and change you in ways that get you to the big ones. In the last two years I have experienced a lot of these moments, some of them really beautiful, some of them really painful and some that I didn't even realize how important they were when they were happening. These moments are the ones that explain who you are, they are the moments that you have to relive as you let people in so that they can know you. As I think about my next chapter and meeting new people, I find myself being overwhelmed with having to relive these moments. A lot of the things are still fresh and I've spent time closing myself off so that they don't need to be relived. Although I know that this is part of life and to be in community and relationships you have to explain how you got to the moment you are in, but sometimes I wish I could just start over in a new place without having to go back into my past.
My sisters and I are all experiencing big moments, big life changes, but there is no explanation needed. We already know how each of us got to where we are, we already know how we became the people that we are. Tonight, I am grateful for that, grateful that I have people in my life who already know, who have been there, and who have loved me in all those moments.
To be loved and known that deeply and genuinely is the most beautiful thing in the world.
Between the big moments are tons of little moments that change who you are, and change you in ways that get you to the big ones. In the last two years I have experienced a lot of these moments, some of them really beautiful, some of them really painful and some that I didn't even realize how important they were when they were happening. These moments are the ones that explain who you are, they are the moments that you have to relive as you let people in so that they can know you. As I think about my next chapter and meeting new people, I find myself being overwhelmed with having to relive these moments. A lot of the things are still fresh and I've spent time closing myself off so that they don't need to be relived. Although I know that this is part of life and to be in community and relationships you have to explain how you got to the moment you are in, but sometimes I wish I could just start over in a new place without having to go back into my past.
My sisters and I are all experiencing big moments, big life changes, but there is no explanation needed. We already know how each of us got to where we are, we already know how we became the people that we are. Tonight, I am grateful for that, grateful that I have people in my life who already know, who have been there, and who have loved me in all those moments.
To be loved and known that deeply and genuinely is the most beautiful thing in the world.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
womens staff
This time last year I was putting together welcome bags for the twelve female counselors that would be under my leadership at Redwood camp for summer of 2011 and I was full to the brim with a jumble of excitement and nerves. I knew that the job I was about to embark on was going to stretch and challenge me but I had no clue that I would be sitting here a year later so overwhelmed with how much these girls changed who I was and the way I view life.
When summer started there was an intense separation between male and females, pretty much like a junior high dance. There wasn't much interaction between the male and female counselors and when there was it was always that awkward and obvious change in the way things were going type of interaction. There were some of us on program staff who were concerned about this and strategized ways that we could fix it. We spent time discussing why this could be happening and what was different about this staff that was keeping up the wall. During training week I got the chance to sit down with each of these girls and share where our hearts were at coming into the summer and what we were hoping to learn. I realized this night why there had been the separation between males and females. These girls simply desired female community. It is not often that you put a group of women in a room and find that they simply wants to enjoy authentic female fellowship and it was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen. It was upon realizing this, that I knew I was going to be in for a life changing summer.
The biggest lesson that these women taught me was how to love, how to deeply and truly love someone for exactly where they are at. There were so many times that I sat with one of my girls as they shared their heart with me and inside my heart was breaking because I wanted to take their hurt and pain away. I wanted them to see and value themselves the way that I valued and saw them. I wanted them to know and truly believe how worthy and beautiful they were and not allow the things of this world to ruin that. However what I learned through this was that I could not fix it. I couldn't make them believe the things that I believed about them and I couldn't heal wounds that weren't ready to be healed. I learned that to be a part of someone's story you need to put down all of the words you want to use to convince someone of something, and you need to come to them exactly where they are at. You simply need to be there. These girls taught me how to be there, they taught me how to love as I walked out of brokenness with them and while I was becoming a part of their stories in this way, they in turn were nuzzling so deep into my heart that they would change my story forever.
Lately I have gotten the chance to hear what God has been doing in some of their lives and my mind goes back to that first night when we all shared pieces of our story. That night where every girl was in tears as they allowed themselves to hurt for other women that they had only known for three days. They encouraged each other and found hope in the messy stuff. Hearing where they are at now, and what they have learned once again overwhelms me because it is beautiful and powerful things. The kind of lessons that are shaping them into the women that they are meant to be and the kind of lessons that will change their lives and relationships forever.
I am thankful for these women
I am thankful that they gave me the privilege of knowing their hearts
I am thankful for the way that they love me and the way they love each other
I am thankful for the way God continues to use them to bring me back to life
I am thankful for each of their unique characteristics that make them all so beloved
When summer started there was an intense separation between male and females, pretty much like a junior high dance. There wasn't much interaction between the male and female counselors and when there was it was always that awkward and obvious change in the way things were going type of interaction. There were some of us on program staff who were concerned about this and strategized ways that we could fix it. We spent time discussing why this could be happening and what was different about this staff that was keeping up the wall. During training week I got the chance to sit down with each of these girls and share where our hearts were at coming into the summer and what we were hoping to learn. I realized this night why there had been the separation between males and females. These girls simply desired female community. It is not often that you put a group of women in a room and find that they simply wants to enjoy authentic female fellowship and it was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen. It was upon realizing this, that I knew I was going to be in for a life changing summer.
The biggest lesson that these women taught me was how to love, how to deeply and truly love someone for exactly where they are at. There were so many times that I sat with one of my girls as they shared their heart with me and inside my heart was breaking because I wanted to take their hurt and pain away. I wanted them to see and value themselves the way that I valued and saw them. I wanted them to know and truly believe how worthy and beautiful they were and not allow the things of this world to ruin that. However what I learned through this was that I could not fix it. I couldn't make them believe the things that I believed about them and I couldn't heal wounds that weren't ready to be healed. I learned that to be a part of someone's story you need to put down all of the words you want to use to convince someone of something, and you need to come to them exactly where they are at. You simply need to be there. These girls taught me how to be there, they taught me how to love as I walked out of brokenness with them and while I was becoming a part of their stories in this way, they in turn were nuzzling so deep into my heart that they would change my story forever.
Lately I have gotten the chance to hear what God has been doing in some of their lives and my mind goes back to that first night when we all shared pieces of our story. That night where every girl was in tears as they allowed themselves to hurt for other women that they had only known for three days. They encouraged each other and found hope in the messy stuff. Hearing where they are at now, and what they have learned once again overwhelms me because it is beautiful and powerful things. The kind of lessons that are shaping them into the women that they are meant to be and the kind of lessons that will change their lives and relationships forever.
I am thankful for these women
I am thankful that they gave me the privilege of knowing their hearts
I am thankful for the way that they love me and the way they love each other
I am thankful for the way God continues to use them to bring me back to life
I am thankful for each of their unique characteristics that make them all so beloved
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