faith.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" 
Hebrews 11:1

When I first became a Christian, this was one of the first verses I memorized. I thought this kind of faith would come easy, that my life would be easy because I would always have a steadfast faith that gave me peace in knowing God was in control.

Something that has always drawn me into and kept me working in children's ministry is how simple their faith is. Childlike faith amazes me, and kids just get it. I've worked with a lot of kids who have been through more brokenness at 8 years old than I have at 24 and the peace they find in knowing God is in control continually blows my mind. Why can't I find that peace? Why is it so hard for me to grasp simple truths and let them resonate into the deepest parts of my heart?

I wish I had that faith.

I wish I could jump from adventure to adventure, going with every curve life puts in my way without anxiety or fear because that kind of faith is one that creates a trust in the goodness of life's ups and downs. I have learned a lot in the last two years, and learned things in hard life lesson type of ways, that I am not in control, that life is going to go in a way that I wouldn't expect but that it would always have really beautiful aspects and life changing experiences. I feel like God is over and over again trying to teach me to have this kind of faith, to be okay and believe that it is all going to work together for my good, yet I still fall short over and over again of really believing this at the core of who I am.

My best friend has a kind of faith that I envy. For those of you who know her, you may not know this about her, but she trusts God in a way that I admire. Of course life always throws us unexpected things that cause nervousness and anxiety but at the heart of who she is, she has that steadfast trust that it will all be okay because God's hand in it is bigger than her worries or fears. In the same way that Children have taught me about childlike faith, She has shown me what it is to have this kind of faith as an adult, and encouraged me over and over to pursue after it and accept whatever step my life takes next.

I will get there. I am determined to get there. I may need a couple more hard life lessons, but I will get to a place with God where I can sit back, let it roll off my shoulder and know that it is all part of something bigger and it may take years for me to see that, but I will get there.

steffen

Today is the six year anniversary of my precious friend Steffen's death. Six years. I still remember that day like it was yesterday, i remember what I was wearing and what I ate, I remember every part of the emotions involved in the phone call I got and the events that took place afterwards. Six years. That's a big chunk of time, and a lot of life that has continued to happen even though his life was cut too short.

Today, I have been thinking a lot about time and how the world continues on even though for some people it stops due to unfair circumstances. Those who continue on, keep learning and growing and carrying the people who have left in their hearts and in their actions.

Six years ago, I was 18 and about to leave for my freshman year of college, with the goal of being a therapist for troubled teenage girls. Now here I am 24, back in college and headed toward being an elementary school teacher. I didn't understand life and relationships and pain, because up until that point I had been spared the really hard stuff. Steffen's death was a turning point, it caused a lot of pain but in that God pulled a lot of beauty out of it. I began to understand who God was in the midst of tragedy and what it meant to be angry. I learned that sometimes life really sucks and that's okay. I also learned how fragile it is, how you never know what the next day holds and although time after time I fall extremely short of this, I want to experience each day entirely and love to the fullest possible capacity. In the last six years there has been a lot of laughter, a lot of beautiful memories, a lot of tears and struggles, relationships that have come and gone and ones that have lasted but most importantly there has been growth and experience. I am a stranger to who I was at 18 and I am grateful for that, I am grateful for what I have learned and what I have gone through, and although my 18 year old self had something completely different in mind for 24, I am glad to be right here where I am at, in my perfect little apartment in Pasadena, walking through life with the most beautiful people.

Steffen, thank you for being a part of my story, for being my first crush and the first boy I danced with at my very first junior high dance. Thank you for making that flower nursery one of the best jobs I will ever have and most importantly thank you for always being strong in being exactly who you were. I hope heaven is treating you well, and that you have The Beatles playing constantly up there.

letting go.

I've never been the type of person who can let things go very easily. I hold onto relationships, hurt and anger too tightly and let it nuzzle into a part of my heart that makes me scared and cynical. People always say things to me like "just let it go" or "just stop thinking about it" and I've never been able to truly grasp the simplicity of doing that.

The fact that I am now smack in the middle of my twenties, I find myself self reflecting even more than normal, thinking about the kind of person I am and the one I want to be. I often find myself looking back on the last couple years and finally understanding why things had to happen. I have an amazing family, amazing friends and a beautiful life and I never would have expected to be where I am. However, I got here because of the things that caused hurt and that caused anger and that makes it all worth it.

Recently I experienced something that helped me take a step forward in letting go of anger and it felt amazing. I felt like a piece of my heart healed right there in that moment. The simplest act helped me to take a deep breath and let it go, and it was something that I had been wanting for so long. I want to be one of those people who trusts God so deeply and genuinely that when life throws me for a loop I can take a deep breath and let it go, because I know it's all a part of my story.

Knowing that I am not there yet, I am going to embrace where I am at. I always push myself to love and walk alongside people for exactly where they are at. I don't know why I don't give myself this same sort love. Until I figure out how to just breath and let things go in the moment, this will be what I work on. To be able to know and accept that I am where I am in life, and in the woman that I am, and although I know I will grow and change, I am going to enjoy who I am right now.