big moments

Last week my little sister graduate college, this week my older sister gets married and in two weeks I am moving to Pasadena to start a new chapter of life. These are all big moments, the kind of moments where your life starts heading in a completely new direction, the kind of moments where you can see a distinct difference between who you were before this moment and who you became after.

Between the big moments are tons of little moments that change who you are, and change you in ways that get you to the big ones. In the last two years I have experienced a lot of these moments, some of them really beautiful, some of them really painful and some that I didn't even realize how important they were when they were happening. These moments are the ones that explain who you are, they are the moments that you have to relive as you let people in so that they can know you. As I think about my next chapter and meeting new people, I find myself being overwhelmed with having to relive these moments. A lot of the things are still fresh and I've spent time closing myself off so that they don't need to be relived. Although I know that this is part of life and to be in community and relationships you have to explain how you got to the moment you are in, but sometimes I wish I could just start over in a new place without having to go back into my past.

My sisters and I are all experiencing big moments, big life changes, but there is no explanation needed. We already know how each of us got to where we are, we already know how we became the people that we are. Tonight, I am grateful for that, grateful that I have people in my life who already know, who have been there, and who have loved me in all those moments.

To be loved and known that deeply and genuinely is the most beautiful thing in the world.

womens staff

This time last year I was putting together welcome bags for the twelve female counselors that would be under my leadership at Redwood camp for summer of 2011  and I was full to the brim with a jumble of excitement and nerves. I knew that the job I was about to embark on was going to stretch and challenge me but I had no clue that I would be sitting here a year later so overwhelmed with how much these girls changed who I was and the way I view life.

When summer started there was an intense separation between male and females, pretty much like a junior high dance. There wasn't much interaction between the male and female counselors and when there was it was always that awkward and obvious change in the way things were going type of interaction. There were some of us on program staff who were concerned about this and strategized ways that we could fix it. We spent time discussing why this could be happening and what was different about this staff that was keeping up the wall. During training week I got the chance to sit down with each of these girls and share where our hearts were at coming into the summer and what we were hoping to learn. I realized this night why there had been the separation between males and females. These girls simply desired female community. It is not often that you put a group of women in a room and find that they simply wants to enjoy authentic female fellowship and it was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen. It was upon realizing this, that I knew I was going to be in for a life changing summer.

The biggest lesson that these women taught me was how to love, how to deeply and truly love someone for exactly where they are at. There were so many times that I sat with one of my girls as they shared their heart with me and inside my heart was breaking because I wanted to take their hurt and pain away. I wanted them to see and value themselves the way that I valued and saw them. I wanted them to know and truly believe how worthy and beautiful they were and not allow the things of this world to ruin that. However what I learned through this was that I could not fix it. I couldn't make them believe the things that I believed about them and I couldn't heal wounds that weren't ready to be healed. I learned that to be a part of someone's story you need to put down all of the words you want to use to convince someone of something, and you need to come to them exactly where they are at. You simply need to be there. These girls taught me how to be there, they taught me how to love as I walked out of  brokenness with them and while I was becoming a part of their stories in this way, they in turn were nuzzling so deep into my heart that they would change my story forever.

Lately I have gotten the chance to hear what God has been doing in some of their lives and my mind goes back to that first night when we all shared pieces of our story. That night where every girl was in tears as they allowed themselves to hurt for other women that they had only known for three days. They encouraged each other and found hope in the messy stuff. Hearing where they are at now, and what they have learned once again overwhelms me because it is beautiful and powerful things. The kind of lessons that are shaping them into the women that they are meant to be and the kind of lessons that will change their lives and relationships forever.

I am thankful for these women
I am thankful that they gave me the privilege of knowing their hearts
I am thankful for the way that they love me and the way they love each other
I am thankful for the way God continues to use them to bring me back to life
I am thankful for each of their unique characteristics that make them all so beloved